dancing bears painted wings...

bad dreams

2009-12-18T12:52:54Z

I don't remember when i had the other dream, where I had (my ex-b/f's) Nolan's baby and then when i realized it was his, i killed it with a plastic forks.... but this morning between 5 am and 7am I had another dream about myself giving birth to Denize's baby.... which I'm soooo not ok with that idea either... ><
but this dream was really realistic.. i mean not that i know how hospitals work( i guess it was a pretty futuristic hospital)... but before the birthing scene i had talked to my dad and he was more than usually depressed, he and my mom had gotten a divorce in my dream.. and then later my mom and my little sister and myself were walking through a mall and i found a baby chick on the floor and told my sister about it. she proceeded to run after it then catch it and we tried to figure out how to get it back into the cadge... but it wasn't like a pet store.. it was just these two random glass doors into a room packed with animals... like literally pack floor to ceiling... though i don't think the room was much over 4x4x6 so yea.... but w/e we got the baby back in the room with the other animals.. then we were at the weird hospital... and I'm running around and then people i hadn't seen since high school showed up(like Annie Bradley) and my water broke.... I told the DR. i just felt like a i needed to take a really big poop.. but he said that i was most likely one of those girls from the "i didn't know i was pregnant" shows...and that i needed to stay on the table.. and then i thought about how fucked up this baby was going to be...like physically fucked up b/c of all the things i do to my body.... it wasn't a pretty dream.... and I almost called Denize...but i don't want to talk to him... so i didn't.... now i'm waiting to hear back from my dad to know when he'll be getting here to see if i have time to do my laundry so that it is not smoke and cat hair infested before the long drive home....

going to take a shower then run over to emily lowe hall to hand in my now two day late final... and then to do the laundry..... >

profound words... finally :p

2009-05-26T05:03:12Z

so... as a little girl, I was one of those mostly tom-boy style people... I liked snakes and frogs, but yea still scared of spiders...like i used to run around beating up the boys in elementary school and literally chasing frogs to catch them and hold on to them and .. well I never puled Lennie, but I would hold on to them for as long as possible.... ummm today(memorial day monday) the afternoon was spent with my little sister learning how to ride her scooter and me still attempting to ride my skate board.... I will be educating my self further on the process later... but whilst my mom and sister and I were out getting this brand new scooter, my mother finally told me something that caught my attention.. and it took several hours before it really hit me... she told me to stop kissing frogs and find my prince already.. really funny how it's literal and figurative at the same time.. I really have kissed to many frogs.. like real frogs, not metaphorical frogs... I would usually hope that I would magically become a frog after kissing them and then I could run away...
But I realized that what my mother had meant by what she said was right.. ok so I've officially had like 8 maybe 9 boyfriends with a few boys that were more than friends but we never officially dated.. and well I'm sick of this shit... I'm once again not going anywhere near that gender for months.. just not even going to bother... all you do is make me depressed... so yea... and tomorrow I'm just going to continue to try and learn to skateboard on my own...
I'M SICK OF FROGS!!!

p.s. to the original Lizzie in my life... I'm really sorry that I called at 12:24am EST.. it was literally after I found out my unfortunate new fact... They are making 10 Things I Hate About You into a television series on ABC family.... and I honestly felt that you were the first person I needed to tell about it.. but yea.. I really wasn't thinking the best.. you have class.. and for disturbing your sleep I am very very sorry and I hope you fell asleep quickly afterwards and you mostly forget the whole thing in the morning.. <333333

p.p.s a friend of mine just reminded me "it's not easy being green".. which made me think of how many people in high school told me to never stop being green.. b/c I would go a whole month straight and just wear awful mismatching green clothes.. and this included underwear.. everything was green.. and then in college I finally dyed my whole head lime green.. and well... green is/was my favorite color .. just freakin' everywhere.. but yea commonly associated with frogs :p

life is a mistake..

2009-05-07T21:29:24Z

it's a good nihilistic philosophy... i came up with it like two days ago... not sure i believe it at all.. i mean like yea ok logically all the great inventions that past great people have made were a huge series of mistakes and coincidences...

but yea.. i've come to the conclusion that sleeping is always my wrong choice.. and that I have just royally fucked up my life this semester and i wish that i could get in a time machine and do it over in a better way.. having my priorities straight closer to the beginning and not the start of finals week...

i mean this afternoon when i woke up an hour after my assignment ended... well i just wanted to die.. i mean i honestly will prolly be failing three classes this semester which means possibly loosing the degree i'm pursuing and losing all the scholarship funds i'm receiving...

but i made the conscious decision to keep trying and then next week i'll be working my balls off... but i am going to be making many changes in my life.. and not having people around was easier... lonely but easier... it helped me see what i was doing wrong and kind of got me closer to certain people... even though they weren't around...

yup so this is just yet another emo rant from me... you deff don't have to read it.. and no worries.. i luff you all, even if i show it in the worst ways... i luff you all more than myself.. and well i couldn't deserve better friends than those of you who do end up reading this.... i mean, it means you semi went out of your way to read something that i thought was significant enough about my life to write about....

PEACE

p.s. i think i might be addicted to sex.. and a maybe a month ago i cut myself for the first time... it was weird... and prolly not the best decision.. but i haven;t exactly been full of those recently.. oh and..umm fuck i forget... wait no... i think i'm going to go and try to get therapy session with the counselors on campus... finally taking the advice i've been getting for almost a year now.. v.v

<3

p.p.s. i was actually happy for a few moments this afternoon, it's been a while for that too, and it was b/c i was unashamedly crying the middle of a field during a big rainstorm this afternoon.. it felt nice.. but i was afraid i wouldn't be able to get up afterwards.. just not being able to face the world... yea... ><

=^_^=

old school with quizes again... :p

2009-04-06T19:05:00Z

What Mixed Drink Are You?

You Are a Strawberry Daiquiri

You're a fun, playful drinker who loves to party. If there's some drinking to do, you'll be there.
You may get totally wasted, but you're always a happy drunk. Drinking just improves your mood.

Whenever you go drinking, you end up with a ton of friends at the end of the night.
Too bad you can't remember any of their names the next morning!

What Mixed Drink Are You?

How Much Lust Do You Have?

Your Lust Quotient: 63%

You are a very lustful person - and it sometimes gets the better of you!
You know how to hold back, but you hardly ever do.

How Much Lust Do You Have?

rape.....

2009-01-02T05:39:27Z

so this happened almost a year ago... and well I dunno.. I suddenly just got the feeling I should talk about it... like just throw it out there and whatnots....

so this guy... that I had kind of found attractive, he was a friend of a friend...

and I've never really been a "party person', I pretty much didn't really leave campus much last year b/c of all my classes and just never really getting close to anyone...

well anyway.. this one night I didn't have much to do so I agreed to get dragged to this frat party... he tries to get me really wasted... but I'm Irish and Greek so that would take a lot of alcohol... and I'd had a recent bad experience including vomiting for 24 hours and a 3 hour black out... so I just wasn't very tolerant of alcohol at that point

I tried to swallow half a cup of beer at the party, while I've lost sight of him... I try to be social, but I just ended up being mad awkward...

so we end up going back to his place.... honestly I just wanted to make sure his drunk ass got there safely... but then he starts putting moves on me and I kind of wanted it but not really... I said no but still one thing leads to another...

and well I just feel like I did this to myself... and yet I feel like I've been robbed of something and have ruined the entire idea of sex for myself... it's become a completely objectified thing and I don't get any pleasure from it.. I think it's pointless actually.... but I kind of blame myself... I have the mind set where I will purposefully put myself into situations I feel uncomfortable in... just to be able to have an experience.. like I knew I didn't want to go to bed with this guy, and yet I really wanted to... so I did it... and the entire time I pretended I was somewhere else and wondering why people find sex thrilling... it just hurt and .... bleh... I felt sick and cried the whole time...

I had been putting myself in situations kind of similar for a while though... and I think I might have really only wanted to do this in spite...

there was this guy I had liked since high school and every summer break I would drive over to meet up with him and we would make out in the back seat of the car... and then when I went home for x-mas break last year he told me that he had had sex.... and it really made me mad...I honestly don't know why... it's not like we'd ever dated or anything.. but like... we were always eachother's firsts for things.... so I got mad... and I think I made myself have sex with this creep out of spite..... but I'm not too sure

some of my friends think I should go to therapy for this... I haven't told my parents... just some of my very close friends... and now all of you.. who've bothered to read this... ..... yea...

bringin back the quizes... for shits and giggles.... b/ci was bored and avoiding work, why else?? :p

2008-12-07T23:42:32Z

What type of Goth are you?
New-Aged Goth
You weren't there for the beginning, but the whole Gothic thing drew you in. You love so many aspects of it - the leather, the lace, the velvet, the metal, that you can hardly decide whether you want to walk around in a corset or wear something more elegant like a lacy, complicated ensemble of foreign Goth culture.
Your styles could include Lolita, Cyber, Old-School, Fetish and Smart, but it's all about what mood you're in that day.
This shows variety, passion, and even if you don't have as many clothes to suit your tastes, you'll always be dressed well.

Goth,Emo,Witch,Punk,Or All
Witch
Goth,Emo,Witch,Punk,Or All
Your a real Witch be it for life its great to be a witch great to use spells.

You are obviously an Angry Goth. Who pissed in your cheerios? Your life isn't necessarily about death, but you are filled with feelings of extreme anger and probably don't trust very many people. You were probably hurt by someone you trusted and now you are left traumatic and figuratively paralyzed. Liven up, you do need to have some fun and not always be about anger and mistrust. One thing is, you most likely hate those who lie and cheat, so you refuse to participate in that. You are a great friend if you have that quality. You, like me, are all for justice and fairness because you want it.

then i did one of those name generators... lily moore turned into leather slut and lizzie anastasia became angelic disgrace

so it's been a while..yet again

2008-09-15T03:36:21Z

ok so I'm back at school YAY (and yet toadily suicidal at the same time... taking 7 classes.. which is basically the equivalent of 12 hours of school every day)..... umm yea

but really what I'm here to ask/say... is what do you do when someone says they love you...? and I mean the sometimes dread sometimes wished for "I love you"..... I wouldn't know what to do... so I'm clearly asking for advice..

k thanks buh-bai...

I'll be back with more updates later..
though there aren't many of you who still read this.. :p

dosvidaiya_ana @ 2008-07-23T13:42:00

2008-07-23T17:45:00Z

jks.... not really...so she did go to the hospital but they got back around 4am and then went on with life pretty normally or rather as scheduled... so mom went to her pre-op thing and then dropped dad off at the air port...

she'll be taking loads of medications but i have yet to see/hr her throw up since coming back so that's good ^_~

i just saw aquamarine with my sister... the online thing i watched it with was missing a chunk but other than that it was pretty cute and very sappy :p

uber ickies

2008-07-23T03:55:45Z

so Shannon and I are jokingly dating.. we go to the movies on Tuesdays and we hang out other times... we swapped music tonight... after seeing get smart (not as good as I thought it would be, but it wasn't a waste ^_^)

my mom just got taken to the hospital though..... she's been throwing up.... I have no clue why and this makes it for almost two days she's been going.... so yea we called the Dr.s and my dad basically just left to take her to the hospital....

rose, I'll call and keep you updated in the morning if you want...

she was supposed to go to her pre-op meeting tomorrow too.... ><
(she's got mild skin cancer [that permanent hickey on her neck.. yea... ><])

so yea....

mad side note
Laura were we going to meet up Thursday???
i'll bring cd-rw s

recently

2008-07-14T15:42:06Z

so that guy who.. well w/e he's got other interests and he also is now unable to do drum corps... so he quite.. but I still ended up with a pair of his pants.. >< go figure

he's going to be getting them back from me at some point... he bleached his hair and sent me a picture.. he's going to dye it red

I wish him the best of luck with his future.. not going to school and planning to move out by the end of the summer.. very ambitious.. sort of.. ><

anyway... the other kid in the front.. (steve) he's not gay (he claims.. but I'm pretty sure he's like Omar... and only straight for this one girl and other wise isn't interested in the feminine variety... )

well anyway complications ensue... but competition season wise we're doing pretty well the last two competitions we came in first... and our score keeps going up.. so cool beans...(even though my section is seriously sucking ass... like it's just gawd awful)

bogus

2008-06-22T17:52:06Z

so I've been watching a bunch of movies recently and it's funny...

they portray going to college so differently.. like... just like every other movie... the mis portrayal of reality really boggles my mind... it's so giving people false believes and spawning ignorance in people...

yea jut and to throw that out there... an epiphany moment.. or something like that...

and ummm I'm really kinda sad.. Friday I was a freakin' emotional mess.... and umm the guy i like has a thing with someone else... ooo what a surprise there... not at all.. ><

okies... ramble end now

bleh.. been a while

2008-06-16T12:11:11Z

no emo poems today... but maybe unfortunately I might have some later ..

so I met this guy yesterday.. he's pretty amazing.... in the color gaurd.. and straight.. kick ass-ness
I like his music a ton and we get a long really well considering we've only known each other for like 12 hours... it was awesome..

I don't think I've gotten along with anyone that well.. and apparently we both do the scifi stuff.. just different yet over laping fan-ish
we think similarly... it just boggles my mind... ^_^

only downside to this is the whole not being able to sleep... though that has a pretty good deal with my hella not nar nar sun burn..... second degree burns on my shoulders and just burnt from ankle to ass then other side of ass to my hair line... I hate the beach.. I refuse to go there for a long while.... definitely waiting a week after I've recovered.. ><

so.... ramble ramble ramble....

o I forgot to let you guys know... I had a date with this girl from Texas... like two weeks ago... the date went pretty well... but after wards she became really naggy wanting m to come back the next day and like every other day from there on out... and I'm not sure what to do about that....><
it makes me feel mean.....

... funny shit

2008-05-16T03:30:53Z

I read this in a forum esque thing...

title : Here's a few reasons why Gay People are just wrong

original body :
Ten Reasons Gay Marriage is Un-American

1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

I'm gay, and loving it.
Got a problem? Go to hell, because that's called intolerance.

>>> i honestly love this... it made me smile a ton
and laugh a lot... because i was expecting a serious list.. and instead found obvious satire.. it was amazing ^_^

a few more things...

2008-05-11T17:57:46Z

oh yea... all the ridic late nights in emily lowe... those people are deffinately THE BEST

I will always remember those nights.. and we will probably repeat them next semester for drafting class. :p

so jerk face.. you owe me 13 hours... of what i'm not really sure... i mean 13 hours of lost sleep.. is kinda impossible for one person to give back to another... so we'll try and figure something out with that ....

yea.. the end for the semester... so far.. kinda .. not at all

but this was something really important.. because i realize that i am over liking him to the extreme of obsession.. i mean sure he's probably the only thing i've talked about for a few days... but that's because i'm lame and everything that's happened with him is always ridic eventful and yea...

so i still need to get rid of verbal leaks ... >< but it'll be all good ^_^

haha.. i lost my train of thought...

i think that's the end of this little bit.. yea ^_^

jerk face

2008-05-11T17:48:56Z

so.. it's been a while since i've updated.. a shit ton of things have happened...

i've burned myself for some boy.. while were making edible dead babies...(a very long story :p)

and lots of other physical mutilations for this boy..i have destroyed two pairs of flip flops doing things with him...(riding a bike and then he ripped one off my foot in a piggyback ride... 2 more long stories)

and well i've been thinking about things... he left to go home before he has to counsel at space camp... and well I will probably be very bored without him around

it was always an adventure and ... well we've become very good friends... and i'm going to miss him a lot.. :p

I hope the people i spend the summer with are able to keep me entertained...

oh yea.. and he finally picked which girl he is actually going to pursue... though i'm not at liberty to say... but i'm happy for him for finally making that decision... though it'll prolly continue to result in lots of accidents and physical issues...

yea... i was also thinking about that yesterday, before we finally shipped him off to the plane... that ever since we've started talking and hanging out a bunch... that his luck has gotten really bad... i mean he eneded up having issues with a relationship that was 6 years long and like... all these other big issues.. totaling his car, wrecking em's bike... long stories... semi good times... :p but only when looking back on things...

yea... so i'm going to miss this jerk faced lover of mine.. ^_^

movies...

2008-04-06T23:54:00Z

So i'm fianlly getting around to watching Edward Scissorhands.... It's fusking amazing ^_^

Change of Pace

2008-04-03T19:13:42Z

I'm sick of being just another four letter word...

my name is Lily
my friends call me a Punk
and most four letter words have a bad denotation to go along with them...
I'd rather not deal with it.... so
(sorry laura I'm stealing it)
call me Lizzie..

and I keep thinking of that song by Cake... friend is a four letter word...

this will probably be temporary... and I doubt many people actually will but w/e

thanks ^_~

PS funny story... I was walking out of work on Tuesday.. and I decided to get rid of the bag of crushed cereal in my bag. So I walked up to the trash can and I said "Good bye crushed life, you maybe have been spicy, but it's over" and dropped the bag in the can... it's funny because it was cinnamon life cereal :p

ok prolly not that funny but I thought it was

talk about being written in the "heat of the moment"

2008-04-01T02:07:15Z

I want to apologize for some of those horrendous misspellings... but umm yea

severe ties... doesn't that kinda mean closure... but w.e I went for a run during rehearsal so I'm mostly over what ever it was that got me miffed...

pink haired jerk face stop reading this, I've stopped prying...

and if you really wanted severed ties you'd be severing them too, so stop bugging me about it.

WHY?!?!?!?!

2008-04-01T01:10:36Z

that's like an invasion of privacy.... you shouldn't still be reading this... I mean if you rally wanted ties severed why would you check back in on this...???!

that's what i have to say to you jerk face

refresh

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

2008-03-31T04:40:37Z

I know I shouldn't like him, not one bit.... but I still do >

classes... the last two days

2008-03-22T04:23:46Z

so.. i had fun hanging with the people i managed to see in my "vacation"

but i spent a lot of time freaking out over this "huge" project... and blah

but the moon was really pretty today... kinda makes me want to do that for my project.. now that i've spent over $100 on the supplies for my last idea.. ><

more panic will ensue
and well i doubt i'll actually manage to get the hair cut i want... v.v

no mohawk for me.. maybe

not fair....

2008-03-10T13:37:26Z

it's not fair when people find your hidden place and just move on in like it's theirs....

it's like that conversation i had with shira... that was a complete metaphor for sex.. and it was awesome...

You ever host the party, you always come over here and make your self at home, put you stinky feet up on teh table. I always have to make dinner and clean up before you come over and after and you just sit around like you own the place.

ok.. yea no that's not really how it went... nor is that nearly all of it... but the metaphor happened several weeks ago.. and it just didn't completely stick in my head...

but apparently i haunt......
those are the words of another... but if you really think about it.. yea i am haunting... b/c i sit back and watch things happen.. i'm not much of an active participator.... >< i guess i could change.. but really why do i care what he thinks??

awesome... that's the last time..(well that's my goal)

toodles y'all

yes creepster.....

2008-03-10T05:07:47Z

that would seem the appropriate word to describe you....

make me miserable
and i'll hide the way i feel
not everything i write is about you
but you'd never know would you...
well i hope your happy with your wife you got there
have fun and lots of beautiful children.
i'm going to go break down... and i hope they never find the body

drowing in the ocean is loads of fun
the only reason for those icy blue eyes
if the icicles you glare at me
i'm surprised your anger hasn't melted your eyes yet

there is nothing left stop talking to me
i hate the way things are
i wish i could stop... but i'm miserable at lying and hiding

i guess that isn't true
i'll just try harder from now on
i'll keep hiding everything just like this....

only a few will see things.. but i wanted you to be able to read this at least before i sever the ties....

good bye.. see you in class tomorrow but i won't really be there

creepy....

2008-03-10T04:57:58Z

kurt is a pink haired creepy bum :p ^_-

i could do with a distraction.....

2008-03-10T04:34:30Z

umm yea *runs away and cries*

i know.. lots of self pity-ing.. the few recent entries i've done...
and this is only more...

she's so pretty.. and they're already like married couple...

i really need some kinda of distraction before i get too absorbed in this misery....
i wish my friends were closer >